Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
