That's when you crack a 10am beer
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
