Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
