I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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