Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize