Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
