Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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