Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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