im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
