so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize