Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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