our cab driver is having phone sex.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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