I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
