Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
