And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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