Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
