I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
