what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
