apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
