im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
