This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
