not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
