he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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