omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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