You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
