I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
