Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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