Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
