Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
