I am full of burrito and curiosity
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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