How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Randomize
