If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
