so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
