a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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