Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
