I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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