found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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