there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
