I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
