I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize