...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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