dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
