so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
