You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
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