My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
