i was born a porn star she said
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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