I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
A+ Viking dick
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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