I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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