Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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