Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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