Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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