You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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