I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
